A, B, C: The “Big Three.” No one can claim to be an expert on the alphabet without being pretty familiar with these bad boys. Old money. So important that they’re often used as shorthand for the whole damn thing.
D: A second-rate “B.” Feel free to skip.
E: A biggie. The most-used letter in the whole ’phabet. Kind of annoying, actually, but if you’re trying to crack a code/buy a vowel on a game show, this is the letter for you.
F: Good for swear words. Otherwise, meh.
G, H, I: Role players. They do their part.
J: A weirdo. Looks weird, and is associated with weird, important, emotionally charged words like “Jesus,” and “Jews,” and “jazz.” Don’t take this one lightly!
K: Another freak. In replicate, connotes both childhood innocence (“Kiddy Kuts Hair Salon”) and sinister hatred.
L, M, N, O: An off-putting polycule jammed right in the middle. They don’t want to be your friend, aren’t trying. Possibly, a cult. Linguists theorize they’ll become a single all-purpose letter, “elemeno,” some time in the next three months.
P: Serviceable, I guess. Thinks it’s quirky because it’s silent sometimes, but no one cares. Like a nerd who gets a neck tattoo. Needs to get over itself.
Q: Whoa! Where did this come from? Not normal at all. Has a tail. Always has its simp, “U,” right by its side. WATCH OUT FOR “Q.”
R, S, T: Garbage letters.
U: See “Q.”
V: Here’s where the alphabet gets a little risqué. Exotic. Featured in words that startle you, intrigue you . . . maybe even scare you a little. “Vortex,” “veer,” “vagina.” Not menacing . . . not exactly, but take it as a warning: the alphabet as you know it is about to change, forever.
W: Here we go. Real bizarre stuff happening now. Has no relation to “U” whatsoever. Lots of strange word associations—“weird,” “wacky,” “Woodrow Wilson.” Kind of goofy, but don’t be fooled. Nothing sane begins with “W.”
X: WHAT??? Not even worth discussing. A stone-cold nut job. A letter from an alien language beamed from Alpha Centauri into our alphabet. Like a parasitic virus hugging the face of a real letter. Connotes seX and luXury and death (when you put it over someone’s eyes). “X” has its uses, but try not to think about it too much. That’s the abyss—therein lies madness.
Y: Also a misfit, but benign compared with its immediate neighbors. The weird girl in high school you wish you’d been nicer to.
Z: “Z” knows he’s a bad boy—that’s why he’s last. A lot like “X,” but way more relatable. “X” is science fiction; “Z” is a biker movie. “Z” doesn’t care if he lives or dies. An antisocial letter used to make antisocial words. Dangerous words. “Zero,” “zipper,” “ziggurat.” But don’t blame “Z.” It’s not his fault. Why does Z even exist? Because we want him to. ♦
