INSTAGRAM: Hey, you made it! Wanna hot dog?
FACEBOOK: Hot dogs are meat tubes that Oscar Meyer uses to control our minds via sulfites. Connect the dots.
INSTAGRAM: Uh-huh. Beers are in the cooler. Help yourself.
FACEBOOK: Here is a picture that your aunt shared of Jesus Christ wearing a Marine Corps officer’s uniform for unexplained reasons.
INSTAGRAM: Here is a picture of a casual acquaintance getting a stick-and-poke tattoo in Tokyo that will make you acutely aware of how boring your life is.
LINKEDIN: Hey, guys, hope I’m not late! I joke, of course. I am always punctual, which is why I was recently promoted to Executive Vice President of Interdepartmental Coöperative Affairs. I see that you are grilling nourishment food. May I hamburger?
INSTAGRAM: Sure thing.
LINKEDIN: I am always striving for delicious.
TWITTER: Hey, everybody, X is in the house!
FACEBOOK: Your name is Twitter.
TWITTER: It’s X now—don’t deadname me!
INSTAGRAM: Hold on, who taught you that word?
TWITTER: Stay out of this! You’re both owned by the same weirdo.
FACEBOOK: We’re owned by a weirdo?!
LINKEDIN: I am owned only by my desire to move forward by pushing for streamlined solutions that advance the common benefit. May I re-hamburger?
INSTAGRAM: Whatever.
TIKTOK: Suh, dudes. Have no fear, TikTok is here!
FACEBOOK: Oh, no.
TWITTER: Oh, no.
INSTAGRAM: Oh, no.
TIKTOK: I come in peace! No need to hate on me just ’cause I’ve got my finger on the Gen Z pulse.
TWITTER: I’m down with Gen Z! “Cheugy.” See?
TIKTOK: I am now sadder than I have ever been.
FACEBOOK: Hey, Tik, beers are in the cooler. Wait a few years and you’ll be old enough to have one.
TIKTOK: Facebook, it’s an honor. Honestly, I believe in paying respects to the greats who came before me. And many thanks! I mean, young people might never have left you and found me if you hadn’t become so, er . . .
TWITTER: Racist? Toxic? Insane?
INSTAGRAM: Reciting your résumé again?
TWITTER: Can it! Don’t you have some middle-school cyberbullies to platform?
INSTAGRAM: Don’t you have some nonbinary journalists to dox?
LINKEDIN: Whoa, whoa, let’s take it easy, and strive for better and improved excellence at experiencing harmony, with enhanced outcomes of barbecue enjoyment. Hamburger the third, may I?
INSTAGRAM: You can just take the burger. You don’t have to ask me every time.
LINKEDIN: Communication is my key to vibrant successes.
REDDIT: Hey, everybody, I made it! Thank God I’m not too late. I was planning to arrive two hours ago, but then I started reading one of my own threads. Do you have any idea how long those can get?
INSTAGRAM: I’ve never finished one.
TIKTOK: Me neither.
FACEBOOK: Of course not—the only thing you’re old enough to read is “The Berenstain Bears.”
TIKTOK: Hey, hey, what’s with the hostility?
FACEBOOK: What’s the matter? Am I not “lit” enough for you? Not “stanning” you sufficiently? Am I too “sus”?
TIKTOK: Stop Googling Gen Z slang!
FACEBOOK: Fine, I’ll say what we’re all thinking—you’re part of a Chinese plot to brainwash America’s young people, and also Dr. Fauci is involved, but I’m not sure how yet.
TIKTOK: Wow, I never thought I’d see Facebook entertain a conspiracy theory.
LINKEDIN: Sarcasm detected! I will now emit professional laughter noise!
TIKTOK: Admit it, Facebook, you’re just jealous that most of my users still have the hips they were born with.
FACEBOOK: Careful, youngster—the baby boomers who use me have nothing but free time on their hands. They’ll choke you with so many garbled A.I. images that your servers will spin! Ever wonder what a Bible with American flags for pages would look like? Wonder no more!
TIKTOK: You’re headed for a beat-down, old-timer!
TWITTER: Hey, threats are my thing!
REDDIT: I’m not sure if this will lower the temperature, but does anyone want to read twenty-four thousand words on Macho Man Randy Savage?
LINKEDIN: Machismo is now seen as a negative trait in the corporate world, where more collaborative and non-combative techniques of leadership are considered the proactive and best-case route of action behaviors.
FACEBOOK: Will you shut up for once?!
TIKTOK: Enough!!!
INSTAGRAM: Come on. We’re social-media apps. We ought to be able to hang out without spiralling into personal attacks and friendship-destroying arguments.
LINKEDIN: Instagram is right. With coöperation and niceness, there is no limit to the bonding and social cohesion to which we can up-level.
FACEBOOK: True. We’re all trying to do the same thing, after all.
TWITTER: Help people avoid having to interact face to face.
REDDIT: At all costs.
TIKTOK: Forever.
LINKEDIN: Amen.
INSTAGRAM: Hey, does anyone want to see a photo of a wedding specifically designed to make you sad that you weren’t invited?
FACEBOOK, TWITTER, REDDIT, LINKEDIN, and TIKTOK [in unison]: Yes, we do. ♦
