Dear Parents,
Welcome to Kinderkids Nursery School! We so loved meeting you all at orientation. Also, we regret to inform you that your children were exposed to lice at orientation. Consider the “getting sick at school” Band-Aid to be hereby ripped off! Fear not—we have lice checkers coming tomorrow, and we’ll make sure to let you know if your child is a carrier and thus not welcome back at school for a week.
Dear Parents,
Can you believe week one is already behind us? Apologies to everyone who wasn’t allowed to join owing to parasites, but if that’s you we have some good news. You weren’t exposed to COVID. This is a notification that everyone else was. Please make sure to monitor your child. Though the symptoms may be mild, the ramifications for your child-care situation will be earth-shattering.
Dear Parents,
We have a theory here at Kinderkids, and that theory is: Everyone is going to get pink eye eventually, so why not now? In other words, all your children now have pink eye. It looks sort of cool, though—like they’re all Shredder from the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”? We’ll try to get a pic and send it via the Brightwheel app.
Dear Parents,
Us again. If you’re receiving this e-mail, it’s because your child was exposed to . . . oh, man. You’re really not going to like this one. It was smallpox. We’re as surprised as you are! It turns out that the field trip to one of the Defense Department’s infectious-disease laboratories wasn’t the best idea. You live, you learn. Hazmat suits will be available at pickup, along with a vial of antidote and a settlement release form from the government. If your children develop any swollen lumps, make sure to let us know through the Brightwheel app and report it to the government.
P.S. We’re still looking for volunteers for the bake sale. Extra points if you’ve already had smallpox!
Dear Parents,
Just add us to your speed dial at this point, right? Actually, we shouldn’t be joking—this one’s extremely serious. Last week, your children were all exposed to pirate’s gastroenteritis. It’s basically a rare combination of diarrhea and hot-tub rash (nonfatal). P.G. was eradicated on land several centuries ago but has survived on a handful of seventeenth-century pirate ships. Sort of like that amber-encased mosquito in “Jurassic Park.” (We find that pop-culture references soften the blow.) Normally, we have a policy of protecting the identity of Patient Zero, but in this case it’s obvious to everyone that it was the sea captain we welcomed on Career Day. From now on, only parents will be welcomed on Career Day, not people who just show up claiming to have interesting stories of the sea.
Dear Parents,
How’s spring break going? Good? We know that you’re on week two of vacation and that you’re thinking, How could my child have been exposed to an illness at school when we haven’t even been at school for more than seven days? Here’s the thing. Back in September, in between the Covid outbreak and the eleven cases of strep throat that we didn’t even bother to write to you about, the children passed around a rock that someone picked up in Central Park. We now know that the rock was harboring a very rare bacteria that causes illness exactly a hundred and seventy-nine days after contact. We did the math for you, and it turns out that that’s tomorrow. Right in the middle of spring break! What are the odds? (One in 2.5 million.) So if your child’s ears start to get crusty tomorrow, and they will, don’t be alarmed. It should resolve itself by the end of the break. More important, enjoy the rest of your vacation!
P.S. Still looking for volunteers for the bake sale!
Dear Parents,
For once, we’re not writing with news of an infectious-disease exposure. Just kidding—we are. The children have all been exposed to rinderpest. It’s a disease previously thought to affect only cattle. In retrospect, going for a second field trip to the infectious-disease laboratory was maybe not the best idea. Fool me twice, shame on us. Given that it’s May, we’re confident that this will be the last time you hear from us. Fingers (or hooves) crossed!
Dear Parents,
Congratulations on a successful school year! Your immune systems have all been bolstered in ways that you couldn’t have possibly imagined. And we’re pleased to send your darlings off to kindergarten with newfound confidence, a love of play, and six months of immunity to pirate’s gastroenteritis. Which we’re sure you’ll all agree is more important than learning how to read. Oh, and try not to breathe near your children’s rashes. Have a great summer! ♦
