Sun’s out, guns out—welcome to the final days of bro-watching season. Observing bros is a beloved summer pastime. But, as bros have proliferated, it’s become confusing to keep track of them all. This guide will help you easily identify the main subspecies of bro in their natural environs, before they nest in front of their seventy-five-inch televisions for the winter.
Northern Finance Bro
Fiduciary connecticutus
Common in financial districts and M.B.A. programs, Northern Finance Bros can be recognized by their monogrammed fleece vests. The vests provide protection from over-air-conditioned offices and are used to lure other Finance Bros into bromances—unions formed for discussing arbitrage, golf, and small-batch bourbon.
Tech Bro
Exquadratus cogitare
Tech Bros are an invasive species that drives up rents and coffee prices. They are largely solitary, but may swarm taco restaurants at lunchtime, preventing you from eating there. They look poor but are famously, annoyingly wealthy.
Western Surf Bro
Tubular occidentalis
Hollywood’s stereotypical bro (referred to as “brah” in the local dialect), Western Surf Bros live in peri-urban areas and travel exclusively in sport-utility vehicles adorned with Hawaiianalia. They do not require steady incomes, as they live off the largesse of their doting girlfriends.
Sports Bro
Brostein archetypus
The original bros, Sports Bros can remember an unlimited volume of sports trivia, thanks to a rare brain mutation. Commonly found in locker rooms, frat houses, and airport bars. Shortly after marriage, they molt their chiselled adolescent physiques and reëmerge with dad bods.
Gym Bro
Reps maximus
One of the most commonly encountered bros, the Gym Bro has many ideas about how you’re working out, and is generous in sharing tips with you. In an effort to attract mates, Gym Bros anoint themselves liberally with Axe Body Spray and engage in the dark art of “manscaping.”
No Bro
Podcast recommendator
The No Bro tries very ostentatiously not to be a bro. So much so that he has become, well, such a total bro. Areas of expertise include self-care, feminism, and the Criterion Collection.
Bro Bro
Broheim simplex
You know him. He calls everyone “bro” all the time.
